DEPRESSING! [10 Oct 2004|01:02pm] Alright, this is the news. I think that I will be getting rid of my internet life in a few days, so sanyone who wants to say goodbye, should do it soon. x.x Thank you y farewell 1 comment|post comment

....and so he beat me. [10 Jul 2004|09:42pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | my sobs ] My Dad found out that the lawn mower was broken today, so he went out and bought a new one, it was 700$ of which we really cant afford. When my mom found out, she started yelling at him about bills and stuff like that, she got mad and left. MMy dad always gets so angry and yells at me. I hate it! Enough said...It still hurts.. I want someone to hold me...and yet I know that I have no one. Sad isnt it? 1 comment|post comment

Yay...woo??? [29 Jun 2004|05:55am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Cat mewing...cute mama kitty ] Well, I get to get my paycheck at the end of the week, a big fat check for 80$. WOO! I cant wait. I get too pay off all my debts to people. and put 40 into the bank. Imagine, me having debts, hmmm... Today I have to go babysit, for ten hours...I dont really want to cause the boy is a brat, but I will take along a book, some chalk, some scrap paper, etc. To keep him occupied. Maybe I should bring along a movie also, but I dont know, I wouldnt know what movie to bring...Harry Potter maybe? I would bring signs, but he is a bit young for that. I made a freind yesterday...her name is Tori.... I think that she is really sweet, but her mentality is definitely a little bit off. Like she was telling me that had no silverware, no pillows, and no couches in her house...and she lives with her parents...and it all just seemed a bit weird. How pathetic am I????? post comment

Sweetness [27 Jun 2004|10:04pm] Ive designed a few anime charactors for the roleplay I am going to join, other than that nothing has really eben going on. Recently got a reply from my freind Ashan, I havnt talked to her in a LONG time... I am glad to hear from her. Im babysitting, tomarrow, and the next day, and the day afdter that and the day after that. I will make 80$, can you say woo? I already know what i am going to spend my money on. 3 comments|post comment

Weird [13 Apr 2004|06:59pm] [ mood | contemplative ] I am really confused about my emotions right now. I'm talking to someone again who, I used to be really close with. Yet, I know that there isnt any chance of us going back to what they were. I guess I am probably overanalyzing somethings, I am just thinking about alot of stuff right now. I hate finding things that I am not meant to find, and reading things that I dont want to read and shouldnt be reading. Persay, certain peoples journals. The problem is that these people leave totally out in the open for me to find, and figure out, durrrr. Anyway, I finished my first reading on South Africa, blegh, that was sourly boring. Yet, it was a fair bit interesting. Its quite depressing that yes, I will be reading another book tonite on South Africa. THE HORRERS WILL NEVER END!!! AHHHHH Besides that random outburst, maybe I can be ok tonite. Im home again. I am in trouble for leaving my house, but I'm home again. Oh, and a fair warning to you all, benches are really uncomfortable in big citys, especially when you have to sleep on one. LOL 1 comment|post comment

Discovery! [27 Mar 2004|09:48pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | sailor moon midis ] Well, I am going over to Heather's house tonite. So that I can go to church tomarrow at perry. I havn't been to church in a while. I have been pretty mad at god about alot of things. Im worried about some of my freinds, I wish that I could help them, and because all of them live so far away I cant, and it upsets me. I miss James, arghh, damn my love for him. I think that eventually I'm going to move to england and live with him, he means alot to me, and I dont want to mess this up. Hes a really nice kid, very intellegint in the maths and sciences. Hes a physics major, so thats what he's going to collage for, and I think that we make a pretty good match. Both of us are going into the sciences, although I am also going into the arts. Anyway, I feel that I should probably go. 1 comment|post comment

Well, I'm back [26 Mar 2004|09:33pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | Hold On, Good Charlotte ] Ive decided that I missed this journal to much to not even write in it again. I know that people can read it, and I will just have to deal with that, but its ok, cause I can read their Journals to. I have a music festival tomarrow that should be interesting, I'm playing the highest level of a solo, and I'm really nervous. I dont think that my solo sounds that great, but alot of the people in my house thinks it sounds awesome. I'm worried about my friend Louis, hes been going through alot of things, and I read his journal today, and I'm really concerned. I also discovered my freind Ashan's journal, and through her journal, Chris's. Suprising what you can find when you look. I suppose that the reason I have been avoiding this journal is because I know that some people who I am still upset over, can read it. I guess its all ok now, cause I have moved on, in the most unlikely fashion. I am not really freinds with alot of the people I used to be, my friend Jessica, has decided that if I ever speak to her that my face would make a good punching bag. So that choice is out. I also have just decided that I'm not going to take other peoples problems as my own anymore. I have enough burdens without anyone else adding to the mess. I met a very sweet guy who lived in England, he is intellegint, and so romantic. I must be a hopeless romantic or something, but this time I really think that I found someone who I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Sure, I'm still upset about Chris, that loss will probably never go away, but really, there is nothing I can do about it but try and forget the relationship. If I can forget it I can move on, and by moving on I'm proving that I'm stronger than I thought I was. A few peices of my art went into the county art fair and I won a first place ribbon and 2 second place ribbons. I think that I didn pretty well. I have been reccomended for Chemistry next year, I think that it will be fun, I'm going to be the only tenth grader taking Chemistry, I think that is so weird. The only reason I am taking chemistry is because I have decided that Earth Science will not help me at all in my pursuit of a science career. Anyway, I am going to go now, this was a HUGE update. I guess that must be ok. LOL. post comment

More Poems, entry at bottom. [21 Jun 2003|02:37pm] [ mood | contemplative ] No one understands. Look through the window, everythings sunny outside, but what we feel can never agree with the world. Our tears our sed for the sickness inside hurts, Not because of death but because of life. There isnt anything as painful as rejection, our eyes loose color and our spirit fades. The difference of how we act ruins the respect. The music is heard and then we must know. Listen to the old crow who is wise with despair, Watch the way his eyes reflect every mistake we've made Look in the mirror and dont regret the choices, Stare out the window at the sunny day. No one understands. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dont touch me when you talk Dont touch me when you talk, I dont want to listen, I dont want to know, When I look up at the sky, I feel tears welling up inside, All those lonely stars, never knowing what a freind is. How shallow can you get you and your notes, When you make me take a walk, i hate you, Then pin me down to the ground cause I want to hurt you Dont touch me when you talk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Child Hold my hand, let it rest in your palm, My marred sking, pressed into your young flesch, I look down at you into your innocent eyes, As you look up and try to comprehend my sorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I never said so. I never told you why I went that far, To know how come I felt that pain. You dont understand how I became impossible, Or how come I looked down instead of ahead. Why do you supposed I became what I wasnt, When did my pain provoke your sorrow, I remember when you first yelled at me, You told me I couldnt die, because it would hurt you to much ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dont try to know how I feel. All you ever do is read into my mind. The pain is overwhelming, Like a knife stabbing my heart, I dont want to look at you. I hate the pity. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lonlieness The silence and tears rip through my soul. I dont want to be alone anymore, Why did you leave me, Why couldnt you except me as I am, I am not changable, nothing is here, Why do people reject me, Why cant they love me for me, Is it my horrid words and thoughts, Or do I have a poisened soul. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Knife in my heart. Death, darkness is an easy prayer, Damn my life for I already have, North the coldness overwhelms, South schorched flesh, the sweet scent, West a rope from which hangs my throatr, East my blood rises into the morning sky. My message to god is written in blood, The blood on a peice of skin, The skin from my slit wrist. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Understand Drowning in this misery, there is no way out, No one wants to see the truth, they are all afraid, Understatements, lies, reasons, sometimes a fact. Something is pulling I cant go on. Tears are weakness, please dont cry, After im gone, your pain will leave, The skin is cut, smeared the blood, Painting the truth no one wants to hear. We are all going sooner or alter, The feeling is already here im falling apart, And angel from heaven will spread its wings going home, Please come soon so I wont be alone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Shadowman I see your face in the shadows. I reach out, You pull away. Who are you shadowman? Why do you haunt me? I see your face sometiems, Shadowed and gray, What do you want? Shadowman Why do you leave me here alone? Shadowman Why do you hide your face? Shadowman. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chances Maybe next time will never come, What if the world stopped spinning, and the sun was lost. What if there isnt a tomarrow, What if the stars fell out of the sky, and all the angels began to cry. What if death fell upon you, and you never said goodbye, Is that how you would want to die? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tears. When I cry, I feel lost. I feel alone. There is nothing I can do, To stop the hatreds spread. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everything that makes us live, touches us like the sun to a flower. It can make us bloom and be brilliant, or wither away, hurt and unlovd. We need what we love, Were forced to take what we hate. Nothing but everything, Is fair. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Agonized souls. The longer the knife the deeper the cut, the shorter the breath, the longer the gasp. Tortured spirits heed my words, Now is the time to take back your thoughts, The lesser the wound, the lesser the pain. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sometimes people cry, I pretty much dont think, about all the hell im in. Nothing makes sense, Nothing really can, I cut my little wrist, watch the drop of blood, drip. I am all alone, no one can touch me. I hear no voices, No one is here. I feel a tear falling, Sliding down my cheek. I am all alone, Alone in a world, of hate and love. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One more time. One more time I feel it, death rising into me, into the depths of my gaunt heart. I hate myself and my life, there is only one person I love, One person I want to love, I want one thing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hate myself and my life, Why did you leave me here alone, With no one to love me, I thought you cared, WHen everything is said and done, I wish you what you want. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When everything is said and done, I like myself as I am, Nothing can change my spitful feelings Towards you and your heart, I know our love was supposed to last, Forever and a day, Ive realized now though, to never trust your words. I someitmes think that nothing was ever true between us. You said your love would last forever, It never lasted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ post comment

Poems. [20 Jun 2003|12:39pm] Burden. Ponder thus the unwitting souls of hell arise. Cannot the wind blow, the breeze, the dusk. Never have thine own will been taken. The talon of the predator, grasps my flesh, Wounded I crept, the fallen night. The silent sound immense. Rise forth thou evil spirits, dine with thy master. Is the night, your forever home, Is the day your hate. Cannot thou seek the unbound glory. Is there hope for one who cannot bear it. Thy burden is broken, the chains to dust. The musty smell of death is circling, Forever, forever, now. Breathe. Breathing, shallow and frigid. The anger from your brow, the horrer. Tame the untamed wolf, gingerly stepping. I raise my hand in resilience , the bright red mark across your cheek. My blood is frozen, my veins clotted, My white hands coursed with your blood, mine. The light in the window is dying, The fire slowly wilting away. The rose upon the bloodstained satin, So perfect amongst the stains. The hand so cold, so still, A waxen figurine amongst a perfect setting. Head lolled back, blood dries upon the cheek, Perfect for the paints. Eyes, masked with death, the lively hint dimmed. The death was known, the life short lived, Like a tiny blossom, the snow. Everything How can you think that you understand us. All the hell that we have been through. You come in saying you know how we feel, Trying to be our freind, your lying. You cant help me with your stupid books. You cant change me with the words of dead people. You have never felt out pain, never known. Who are you to say everything will be allright. You and your fucken perfect life. Dont tell me who that I should be, When all you do is sit around and try to be someone else. Look out the window, do you see the grime? Everything inside me is covered in it. Im suffocated with your fucken lies, Cant you see, I dont want to listen to you, I dont want your hand on my arm, or the cup of tea I drink every wedsday afternoon, Cant you see your tearing me apart. I never wanted your help, I wanted to die. Leave me alone. 1 comment|post comment

Gone [25 Oct 2002|05:45pm] [ mood | aggravated ] Gone...the life is out of me. I am not anymore alive. I have sunken into the depths of my hatred. The people are horrid, they hurt. I cant think, my brain is dead. I cant see, my eyes are gone. Gone my life is leaving, i am leaving, my spirit has flown, to hell, to hell. I will live in hell for all eternity until my spite and maslice are gone. post comment

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